A Guide to Coping with a NEGLECTFUL Partner - 5 min byte podcast

Shelley: This is a quick Byte podcast, giving you a few strategies on how to cope if you have found that you are in a relationship with somebody who only has concern for themselves. Whether you are labeling this person as a narcissist or not, is by the by still, you might need some strategies for coping with a very difficult person. Hi, this is Shelley Treacher from Underground Confidence. If you have seen signs that this person might show the slightest bit of empathy, then you might be in luck. The capacity to love and to be loved is the heart of all of this. The idea with a narcissist, or with somebody who doesn't really consider your feelings very well, or dismisses your feelings... is to work through the feelings rather than suppress them. Others may teach you to suppress them. Personally, I think this is counterproductive. I've given you lots of videos on staying with discomfort. This might be some skill that you need to master because you need to become secure. And in order to do that, you need to learn to express feelings and to have them reflected back. This is the antidote for narcissism. And this is something that neither the narcissist or the person who the narcissist is dependent on for their worth, their self worth, i. e. the dependent, the codependent. Neither of them have experienced this kind of self worth and self regulation. But the only way to get through this kind of relationship, happily or healthily, without suppression, is to go into detail and to be really honest about the effect that that person is having on you. How you feel. The most productive way to do this is to start with,"I feel... When you do this". And then you can decide whether to stay with this person depending on whether they show any signs of changing or wanting to change. Wanting to be concerned for how you feel. Squashing the way you feel will only support the narcissist's habit. But being loved or having a loving relationship means both of you having a voice. There is research to suggest that it is possible for the narcissist to soften if approached well. Only you can decide whether this is worth that. Them being able to change your success really depends on them being encouraged to and learning, practicing that compassion and empathy for others. For this you need to reveal your vulnerability. And I know that is really frightening for a lot of people who feel dependent or codependent. So you've gotta find a way of feeling safe doing this. Identify softer feelings. Describe the pain, the sadness, the difficulty that you're going through. For example,"I feel sad, like I'm just not important to you. I consider you someone really important to me. That's why I feel so sad when you give me the silent treatment. You're looking out for signs here that your pain touches the person. That they can acknowledge and feel something about it. If they don't show any signs of softening or of feeling your pain or of any concern for you, Give it space. It's likely that only a professional could help here, and it is worth considering getting therapy with them, if you think it's worth it. It's true that most people will melt when they hear empathy prompts like this. If that person doesn't, you really need to leave, because it's truly not safe enough for you. And if you get a defensive response, this means they're quite hooked on that drug. But as I say, the cure is learning to open up for both of you to overcome the addictive side of this relationship. I've been telling you about a narcissist that I had a very brief dating relationship with. At the time for me, I didn't really have the choice of whether to work on this relationship or not. And I don't think I would have chosen to do that because we didn't know each other well enough. There was nothing invested. But if I was to ever get the chance to say something about this to him again, I would say something like this. I felt shocked and hurt when you suddenly stopped contacting me. And I miss the friendship that we had before. Which feels like such a shame to me. I'd have liked us to have compassion for each other." That's it for today. Thank you for listening. I'll be back again next Wednesday. This has been Underground Confidence with Shelley Treacher.