Need To Let Go of Someone TOXIC? - 10 Exit Strategies

Today I'm talking about how to cope when you come out of a relationship with someone you kind of still are hooked on. Hi, I'm Shelley Treacher from Underground Confidence. I help people with love addiction as well as food addiction. Often these two come hand in hand, which actually I'm going to talk about next week. But this week I'm talking about if you're coming out of a relationship with a covert narcissist and you're realizing that's who you've been in relationship with and you really need to rip the plaster off but you feel kind of hooked on them, addicted to them, this podcast is for you. But the tactics and the techniques and the strategies that I'm going to give you today could also apply to any addiction. So for my comfort eating recovery people, please stay tuned. This is going to be relevant to you. And I'm also going to make it relevant to you. I'll also be explaining how these strategies apply to food addiction. As often I've done, I'm starting with a quote from a client to do with comfort eating, because this is another common theme that I see. And another thing that I want to show you you're not alone with. So she says, I was aware of my mum constantly watching her weight. She lost her excess weight in her thirties and has been slim ever since." I remember being quite happy with how I looked and happy with my weight at around ten stone four and my mum saying to me, you've only got to lose your tummy. This made me so angry." This is such a typical thing that I hear from clients. Can you relate to this? Does your mother say things about your weight? Or does somebody in your family comment on how you look? And has that changed everything about how you felt? So today, as I say, I'm talking about how to cope when you feel kind of hooked on another person at the end of a relationship. I told you a little bit about my story with an ex who I dated for a little while, who I now think is covert narcissist. Our relationship ended quite abruptly with him dropping out completely. Don't get me wrong, I'm now extremely grateful for that. It could have gone on for far too long. Luckily, I arrived quite swiftly at organically not wanting him anymore. But this wasn't without a swift dose of addiction. Because he had dropped out so suddenly and because he had been so nice in some ways. The very first article that I ever wrote was about codependency and this dreadful feeling of neediness. So today's podcast is a much more up to date version of that article. And so here I have ten strategies that you can use when you're feeling that wretchedness. Some of which I used to overcome my craving and withdrawal. Number one, recognise that you're having an addictive response. This in itself is enormous. If you've been listening to my podcast, you'll know that I've explained that. When you are in an addiction, when you're having a craving, it's a fake dopamine hit that you are trying to get. It's no different with being addicted to another person. So the point of recognizing that you're in an addictive response is first of all that that's not real It's not about something that you actually want really but second of all You're denying yourself your natural source of dopamine Stop and notice how impulsive and wretched you feel Remember that addiction comes from fear and difficulty and pain, usually from a core wound that you've had for a long time. So this is probably about your history. So looking after this part of yourself is essential. You might also want to be aware that you probably have a critical voice in your head that says something like, he really doesn't like you anymore." And you probably have a child emotional response to that. You can also have a part of you that's adult and mindful and can look after you and tell you more sensible things. This part of you can direct you to become excited and getting a real dopamine hit from things that you really do find fun. This is not fun. And this is something that needs practice when you're feeling this wretchedness. And so for the comfort eaters who are listening, you can see how this might relate to you too. You can see the similarity between looking outside of yourself for comfort from a person or looking outside of yourself for comfort from food or excitement. And you can see that the motivation to eat might also relate to your wounding. Number two, regain your self worth. Focus on your needs rather than what the other person might be thinking or feeling about you. Notice that you might be upset with that person for not wanting you enough, and focus on wanting yourself that much. Know that the person you feel dependent on is well, they're the person in power right now, and you're not feeling your own personal power. It's likely that if you gain personal power again, the other person will actually come towards you and seem to want you again. But be aware of this dynamic and the game that's going on here and the fluctuating levels of anxiety. The best way to influence this situation positively is to step away and work out how to feel good about yourself again. List the characteristics that you like about yourself. You can also ask friends to list all the things that they love about you. So again, you can see the parallel with comfort eating. Except here, the transferal of power is to the food. And I do hear very often that people feel like they are out of control of this situation. But really, you are in control. It is you choosing this. So it's really going to stand you in good stead to come back to your self worth and work out how you feel good about yourself again. Because it is highly likely that something made you feel bad about yourself and so then you chose to turn to food. Number three, get realistic about the object of your affection. Recognize that this is probably unrealistic to expect the other person to fulfill this role right now. They cannot see you, especially if they're a covert narcissist and have no intention of seeing you. They are possibly wrapped up in their own defensive response and core wounding. That's most likely, even with the covert narcissist. So it is possible that you might be able to communicate further down the line about all of this disappointment and difficulty, but in the case of a covert narcissist, if they are likely to deny their behaviour and put down your feelings in response, wait until you feel stronger about the treatment you deserve and the kind of relationship you really want. You've got to be assessing whether this is possible with this person. Again, I can equate this to comfort eating in terms of getting realistic about what the food is actually doing for you. Really asking yourself what you're doing here, what you're satisfying, how it helps and how it doesn't help. I know for me, this is a powerful one because when I want to eat chocolate, I often remind myself that it's not actually going to make me feel any better. And that the problem I'm trying to deal with with it is not really gonna be affected so I might as well work out the problem and it is the same for love addiction This person can't help you with feeling good about yourself. Number four claim your disappointments and your real values and what gives you meaning Identify with the fact that you probably don't really want this person. This is not what you want Realize and practice this when you're not feeling codependent when you're not in a toxic addiction So that you can remember it when you are you might be feeling self blame this also can be a little bit addictive Because it keeps you away from the ultimate fear of being alone Because if you blame yourself, there's still hope. This one was a big one for me with my covert narcissist. over the days after he dropped me completely, I realised that we had both bought into a fantasy pretty quickly. I was a little bit hooked on that fantasy for a while. And it really occurred to me that it's quite hard to make yourself be realistic when the fantasy is so compelling. I also found it really hard to believe that someone could be that selfish and calculated. This is a characteristic I see in my clients quite often, and I believe it's to do with shaking loose the fantasy. Partly. I mean often my clients are really nice people as well. So the antidote for me was realising that he wasn't so great after all and didn't really want an intimate relationship, which is all I really wanted. And then after a while, it all came back to me that actually, before this had all happened, before I'd got hooked on this amazing treat that this guy was giving me, I realised that I found him boring. Which explains why I hadn't really found him attractive for years. And once I could see how self obsessed he was, and the fact that he seemed to need to get one up on everybody, he became even less attractive. The reality was painful. But it made me realise that I had to take this addiction to fantasy that I was having seriously. And the same can be said about food. You've really got to take it seriously that you're addicted to this substance. And that you brainwash yourself and blind yourself in all kinds of ways in order to carry on. Number five, stay with discomfort. I know this is your least favourite one. But, life is painful. It is. It just is. The fear of feeling this pain makes us go into our heads and makes us turn to addictions. So really, sooner or later, you're gonna have to face that pain. I've described to you in the past strategies for doing this, but in basic it's staying with your feelings and being really kind to every single one of them. This might help you to shift the experience from the immediate situation of dependency and withdrawal to where the feelings actually come from. You don't have to stay with this processor all of the time, in fact that's impossible. You do need breaks and you can trust that you will be processing some of this in the background anyway. But for both eating and love addiction. It's going to be incredibly empowering to you to show yourself that you can work through that emotion. And then once you've done it once, you know, you can do it again and will survive. As I say, I've done lots of videos and podcasts on that. If you need some guidance, number six, know that it was real for you. Let other people have their own feelings and experiences and own yours. If you felt a connection, it was real. I never knew, with my covert narcissist, whether the connection that he was describing to me was real for him or not. And that did my head in for a while. The lies and the lack of empathy made it so confusing. But what I felt was an openness to love. It was real for me. In moments. That's what matters. You opened your heart and actually took the risk of loving somebody, if that's what you feel you did. That says a lot about your capacity. And it's nothing to do with you that they couldn't cope or return it. None of this makes you wrong or the failure. And you don't need anybody else, or that person, to tell you that it was real. It is scary to do this, so you're amazing if you can. If you can feel vulnerable without shutting down or any other defensive strategy, you're brave. But emotional separation from that person is key. So... Physically practice pointing at a photograph or something that belonged to that person and saying,"that is them", and then pointing to yourself, your heart maybe, and saying,"this is me", and repeating that. Being able to see the other person's response and reactions without having to take that on or to respond in any particular way is perhaps the ultimate goal. Often with comfort eating, emotional separation is in the mix somehow. Often I see the reason for comfort eating is because somebody felt bad about something someone said or something that you've perceived that someone might have said, some kind of judgment. So emotional separation is real here too. None of you are reliant or need to be reliant on anybody else to tell you whether you're valid. Number 7. Reconnect with others. You gotta notice that when you're obsessed with somebody, everybody else seems to fade away. Which means you're unavailable, emotionally. So start to remember when other people, other hobbies, other things that you used to do were important to you. Here's some suggestions. Other people, friendship, your career, work, real love, good company, being kind, enjoying activities and hobbies, your home, appreciating being single, freedom, cultures, travel, humour, the unpredictability of people and life. If you start to practice enthusiasm for these things, it will take hold. Sometimes you've got to fake it till you make it. All of these things can be relevant to the comfort eater too. It's extremely important when you're stuck in the obsession of eating junk food in the evening after work or stuffing your feelings down. It's important to try and reconnect with things that make you happy. Comfort eaters can also be incredibly self reliant. So starting to reach out and get support from others and from other things that you can do is not only going to take your mind off the food, but will start to shift and make you realize what's important to you. Number eight, face the fear of being alone. I'm laughing because this one's not easy. If you are afraid of being alone, face this feeling and make plans to become less lonely. There are lots of ideas on how to do this on the net. It is common that this is the underlying feeling underneath addiction, fear of being alone, fear that this is all they'll ever be for you, fear that you just lost something and you're never going to have a replacement. These are anxious thoughts and they often come from the core wound, but you really do need to start putting energy into enjoying your own company, liking the person that you are in company. Or alone. We're all alone, ultimately. Do you actually know anyone who's in relationship who doesn't feel alone in some way? The equivalent for comfort eaters here is in stopping eating the food. I know there's a lot of fear around what feelings might come up. And often again, this is also about being alone. But I guess the common thread is what would you be left with if you stopped chasing this addiction? This may not be one that you can fix overnight, but it is the only way to honor and respect the person you are, which you're going to need for both comfort eating recovery and for having a better relationship. Number nine, learn to self soothe and self regulate. Make a list of non harmful strategies for self soothing. The suggestions I've got here are spend time with people who like you, spend time with people or things that make you laugh, phone a friend, go for a walk, pamper yourself, do some reading, do some listening, listen to music, find time to relax, watch a film, read something that really interests you, and all of my other previous podcasts on strategies and techniques on self regulation. I've literally given you scores of these. Actually going to try these breathing techniques or polyvagal exercises to calm your nervous system down could really shift you from a heightened state of anxiety and addiction. To a more objective, mindful place, where you feel calmer. Sometimes just trying to do one of these things can help your nervous system to relax. But whether these exercises work for you or not, it's still going to be important for you to learn internal self regulation. Both with comfort eating recovery, where you're in a heightened state or a collapsed state when you eat. or with thinking about a person that you want to hear from, where you're going to be in an anxiety state. This one goes along with the first one, where you're trying to look inside yourself for the comfort. This is a skill that needs to be learned and can be. And finally, number 10, manage compulsive thoughts. Having recognized that you're in the throes of an addiction, watching what kind of thoughts you have and stepping away from them, even if you have to do that a hundred times, it's still going to be important. You will eventually stop feeling addicted. Again, it's a kind of a case of practicing it until you make it. At first, those addictive responses will be really strong, but the more you let them go, the more you'll get in the habit of letting them go. And then you'll become good at that. It takes practice. There are things that you can do like have a hairband around your wrist or an elastic band and snap it every time you have an addictive compulsion to remind you to stop thinking about that and to focus your attention on you instead. You can see that the same would be true here of comfort eating. Ultimately, the strategy that you need is to be able to change your approach to investing in people who can be there for you. In becoming a little bit more pragmatic. Investing in those who have your best interests at heart. It's great to learn to express yourself with someone, but ultimately they've got to be a good listener too. The ultimate irony is that you get the same high from actually being cared about. Although, as I said earlier, this would be real dopamine. Which the object of your addiction probably wasn't and didn't have your best interest at heart. So if you don't really believe that it's his loss, where are you anyway? In summary, what I've talked about today... Is how to release yourself from a toxic addiction to another person. I gave you 10 strategies that you can try to bring yourself back into power and feeling good about yourself. I also explained how these strategies were relevant to comfort eating recovery. Next week I'm going to talk about something called cross addiction. This is where you might have more than one addictive compulsion. I sometimes, as I was growing older, felt like I had addiction in my blood and I hear people say that they have addictive personalities all the time. So I'm going to talk about that. But there will be a byte bonus podcast this week on strategies of coping with being in a relationship with a narcissist still. And if you want help recovering from one of the lesser talked about addictions Like comfort eating and being unable to let someone go, Please check me out on the app stores, on social media and on the web, Underground Confidence. Thank you, this has been Underground Confidence with Shelley Treacher. I will see you on Friday.