Christmas LONELINESS & CONFLICT

SPEAKER_00: This podcast is produced fortnightly, and I am your host, Shelly Treacher. Welcome. This week I'm talking you through surviving overeating in a COVID Christmas. In a normal year, we eat 60% more than usual at Christmas. That's all of us. And this isn't a normal year. Some of us won't be able to meet loved ones at all this year or don't have family or partners, and we'll be spending Christmas alone. This after already having had the longest period of isolation and worry that we've ever experienced. So some of us will be able to meet with our families, but this may also come with its own challenges. Either way, there are going to be extra tests to face this Christmas. For many people, this may intensify the challenges that we already face at this time of year, and the ones we've been facing for nine months now. As human beings, we need light relief. We need contact with others, appreciation, connection with nature, and a space for reflection. These are the things that I'll be encouraging you to find in my guide to surviving COVID Christmas and holiday binge eating. So first let's talk about loneliness. Hopelessness about being alone or feeling that you don't fit in is a really common experience at Christmas. This will be as intensified as it has ever been this year. It's a lot to deal with. Not only has there been restricted contact with loved ones, but there's been very little banter, smiling, or fun. This has been replaced instead with masks, distance, worry, grief, and overwork. If you felt lonely before the pandemic, it would be really easy to feel hopeless now. I don't know about you, but I really enjoy everyday banter with people in shops and the odd smile of congeniality with the woman at the bank, or just on the street as we bump into each other. Loneliness is something I've experienced in my life. I was born to a single mother who was quite depressed and lonely. She didn't know how to cope with loneliness, as most of us don't, so she couldn't teach me how to cope with it. This might be the same for you. I'll never forget the day that I realized that loneliness was actually a thing, and that a lot of people felt it. Back in the day when I first started learning about counselling, one of the first things that I did was volunteer for the Samaritans, and I did the training in my early 20s. So they had a whole segment on how people feel lonely. So I realized that loneliness was actually a thing, and that loneliness and being alone were two completely different things. Because you can feel this sense of loneliness even when you're with people, even when you're with the people you feel most comfortable or safe with and loved by. So I realized that it was part of the human condition and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. So the very first thing that I want to do is to normalise loneliness for you. We're all feeling it, in one way or another. Even the most introverted of people might be feeling the absence of normal fleeting connection right now. In fact, I read something at the beginning of lockdown that said that introverts were struggling the most, because they don't necessarily have the natural inclination to reach out and connect, especially by Zoom. So even if you're in a really good relationship, you can still feel alone. We often think the grass is greener when we're alone. This isn't necessarily true. We all have the same patterns, the same feelings, the same dynamics, and the same personal history to deal with, whether we are in company or not. And this year, most of us have been frozen in the relationship status we were in at the beginning of the pandemic. There are a lot of people questioning the choices they've made in their relationships right now and the situation that they find themselves in. And we do this at Christmas naturally. Christmas, as always, will only make this clearer. So first just recognize that loneliness is normal, and that we're all still going through it. We've all been having to face our own aloneness and our loneliness. Which might automatically make you think of chocolate cake or something comforting. Notice whether thoughts of comfort food are somewhere in your mind right now, just at the mention of this potentially challenging concept. And then I'd recommend understanding what loneliness is. What exactly is loneliness? Especially for you? The experience of loneliness is a whole mixture of feelings and thoughts. You can start exploring what loneliness is for you by asking, which part of you is really wanting to be met when you feel alone or misunderstood? What part of you wants to do something with somebody else? And how would it feel to do that? As always, you also need to look out for your critic when you feel lonely. Your confidence might go really low when you feel lonely or separate. You might quickly fall into blaming yourself for being alone or being unhappy in relationship. It's common to feel nobody likes me or who else would have me when you're feeling alone or lonely. So keep an eye out for that voice in your head that tells you there's something wrong with you. This is your learned self-critic. There's nothing wrong with you, you're just a human being. The self-criticism might be a part, but also sadness, grief, fear, or worry. If you're alone or in an unhappy relationship, you might be afraid that there's something wrong with you, or that you will be alone or unhappy forever. You might be remembering all the times you've been disappointed in relationship, or missing the times when you had fun or felt close to someone. All this time on our own, we have so much time to remember what our lives have been like. But we also have time to exaggerate or get stuck on the worst. All of these different feelings and different experiences are separate, and they might need acknowledgement, understanding, or compassion. Sometimes just naming how you feel will make you feel better. My best friend lost her husband just before the pandemic. That must be one of the worst things to happen just before the pandemic. She's trying bit by bit now, just you know, every now and again when she can, not all the time, to stay with how she feels and to process all the different feelings that she has. She's coping in the way that she can, intermittently, like we all do. But she knows that she's going to have to face these real feelings of grief and real despair and real loss. And so she does that. Because sadly this is a part of life. It's really painful. But if we can name it, chances are we'll feel a bit differently and process it through. So this brings me to understanding your comfort eating. This is something I talk a lot about, but it's no less relevant at Christmas. In fact, if you can bring all the skills that you've learnt here to Christmas, it'll stand you in good stead. So understanding what's triggering you to eat, what's actually making you seek comfort food, can help you take control of it by addressing what it is that you really need. So acknowledge that this is a tough time and ask yourself how you're feeling, what state you're in before you eat, or on reflection afterwards, observe what makes you comfort eat at Christmas. Before you wolf down three puddings or finish up every possible scrap of something vaguely good to eat, what's happening? What are you feeling? Exploring the answers to these questions is going to give you valuable information about the feelings you might be stuffing. Food, especially junk food, can soothe or give you a high. So what state were you in or about to go into before you chose this particular drug? If you're with a partner or family, become interested in what patterns you repeat with your family. What's the role that you play? Are you the rebel, the mediator, the black sheep? And what's the benefit of taking on that role? Why do you do it? How has it protected you? Is a really good question to start asking. But also what does it cost you, and what might be the cost to others? In this way you can start understanding what's going on for you so that you can possibly make a different choice, other than what you've done all your life. I also encourage you to be objective about what you're doing. Have a look at the wider picture. Have you neglected to look after yourself and your enjoyment of life in these last nine months? Chances are that with the lack of your usual varied routine and the mixture of feelings you might be experiencing, you've defaulted to very simple comfort zone habits. So Christmas is a really good time to do something different and to stop working so hard. No matter what your situation, most people have been working harder this year than you've ever worked in your life. So could you make time for a walk, build in a bath to uplifting music, listen to a helpful podcast that puts you in a different state? Or watch some stand-up comedy, make yourself laugh. Reach out to someone and tell them how you feel or just what you've been doing. The point here is to just deliberately make time for enjoyment for enjoyment's sake, to overcome that voice in you that says that's not a worthwhile task. Because the more you do these things, the less likely you are to want to overeat at Christmas. Or anytime. This is treating the cause rather than the symptom. Self-compassion and self-understanding are the keys to feeling less alone and more worthwhile at Christmas. And so not needing to overeat. So here's some ideas. Practice being the partner, daughter, son, mother, father, that you want in your life by being kinder to yourself. Ask yourself the questions you might want to answer. How have you been? What's been important to you? What are you proud of? What's made you happy? And reach out. But if you can't, look for evidence in your life of where the quality of your relationships has actually improved this year instead of how they haven't. Remember the moments of love that you've experienced in your life. There are parts of the brain that can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy, or between the present moment or the past or the future. So you can teach your brain that you're in a loving experience right now. There are lots of audios or videos that can help you with this. I've done one, so I'll attach it to this, but there are people who've done this much, much better because they make their career out of it, so have a look. My final suggestion is to take space for yourself. Spending time with family can be a dread for many people. This could be doubled this year. Because we've all worked harder than we've ever worked, without much light relief and human co-regulation, we're even more tired and more stressed and more irritable than we usually are, and we usually are at Christmas. While for some of us it'll be a blessing to finally see family members, for some of us it'll be an excuse not to. At Christmas, there's often a fear of conflict, boredom, guilt, resentment, not being heard or accepted, a feeling of obligation, having to play along with how the family communicates, and just simply not being able to be yourself. Christmas is a time that puts all your communication skills to the test. The familial patterns are never stronger than at Christmas. When traditions are emphasized, anniversaries are remembered, and emotions are heightened. We've experienced so much grief this year. And grief can bring up other grief. Christmas often brings up grief. So for those of us who will still accommodate family this year, with everything we've been through, we might be more overwhelmed and more tempted to overeat this year. You might even be looking forward to it already. So getting up, moving, or doing something else may take you out of the mode that you're in and click you into a completely different state. Separate yourself from the family or your partner's attitudes. Pause for long enough to check in with your real reason for not wanting to eat. Before you find yourself at the Christmas table, spend some time working out all the reasons why you want to lose weight or why you want to be someone who eats more carefully. Have a list to refer to and check in with it often. The more you familiarise yourself with this, the more likely you are to remember it just automatically when you need it, when that binge urge or Christmas overeating habit strikes. But if you can't go for a walk or you can't go to a separate room for a while, here's an exercise you can try. So in your mind, imagine these words: that is them and this is me. And imagine putting a hand in a stop position between you and the other person as you say, That is them. And then put your hands to your chest, to your heart, as you say, This is me, and say it a few times, that is them, and this is me. This can help you to appreciate your own point of view and to separate emotionally from the person who's dragging you down. So here's a summary of surviving Christmas overeating. In conclusion, it might not seem this way, but Christmas actually can be a good time to take stock of what you value, what you have, and what you need. Here I've suggested, as usual, that you can be kind to yourself and to how you feel, that you remember the love in your life, past and present, and that you allow yourself space, and that you allow yourself to observe what makes you do the things that you do. Christmas is a good time to start being more loving towards yourself. Heaven knows we really need it, especially now. As the saying goes, goodwill to all men, and of course that means women as well, and that most definitely includes you. So happy Christmas! Thank you so much for listening today, and also if you've listened to my other podcasts this year. I started this podcast in October and I'm just so grateful for all the contacts that I've had with you. It's amazing to me when I hear you say that you feel I'm speaking to you and that you feel understood for the first time, perhaps. A lot of you tell me that this is the first time you felt someone gets you. So I want to reassure you that you're not alone. I meet with people every day who know what you're going through, and I'm really happy to have the opportunity to write about something or to talk about something that people don't usually talk about. I'm taking a break now, but I'll be back in the new year to carry on the conversation, and I'll also be bringing other experts into the podcast next year. Thank you, thank you so much, and have a really lovely Christmas. But if you're ready to go for an app, please be in touch with my program details over at principlecounselling.co.uk. I need to join my support group. Thank you so much. I'll see you in the new year.